Calculus Hater's Homepage

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Down with Derivatives!
Down with Integrals! \-l*s\ \, -.le-\ n or also [L, pebble, stone in the bladder or kidney, stone used in reckoning] pl. a concretion usually of mineral salts around organic material found especially in hollow organs or ducts archaic.


In the summer of 1665, Isaac Newton first came up with the idea of calculus*, after being hit over the head with a soft, blunt object. If it had been a hard blunt object, he may have forgotten the whole idea, and thus would have saved millions of college students from much excruciating pain and suffering. Unfortunately he didn't, and after publishing most of his findings, suffered a nervous breakdown in 1693. Now in 2005 he is best known for the small fig pastry that is named after him*.

I don't like calculus teachers. They always are trying to educate you, and make your life better. What kind of garbage is that? We should be able to live ignorant lives, not knowing how to find the maximum profit a company can make, how an airplane works, how fast bacteria can divide, or what the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow is*! And those that don't care about educating their students, what kind of stupidity is that? They work in a college, their purpose should be teaching, and not researching stuff that might help the human race.

And what about calculus students? Always whining about taking tests, and learning new things. Never admitting that they actually are partly responsible for taking the class, and trying to blame the system for their own choices. Why would a student in the first place try to take something that would challenge their mind?

They should be sitting on a couch watching TV, flatulating, with a beer in their hand! And who the hell would try to blame someone who is dead for creating something that has helped people live better lives? Only some moronic bastard who was a calculus student!

And do you know what I hate most! I hate people who hate things for no good reason! Who are so closed minded, that they don't even see their own eyes. If I ever met a hypocrite like that, I'd have to make a hate page for them!

Now that I have offended everyone, please sign my Guest Book, and don't win anything!

I at one time had a calculus book that I was raffling off to entice people to sign my guest book. But that was a few years back, and someone won it, and I still haven't gotten around to sending it to him. So once I finally send the guy my old calculus book (I had to get the new edition, I had taken the class so many times), I might have another giveaway. But for now you don't get anything, except a place to vent, or flame me*, or make an interesting point, or express yourself in a manner you choose. You can either go to the official guest book, or if you want it private, you can e-mail me at may also want to read my FAQ, that answers some of the most common questions I get.

How to Survive your Calculus Class

  • calculus@internet - This site has some great links about all kinds of Calculus Subjects.
  • The Integrator - This site has a great Integral Calculator, brought to you by Mathematica.
  • Mr. Kelly's AP Calculus Home Page - He is one of the Three Calculus Horsemen, who will also answer your calculus questions. They also have a cool theme song. Toppick.gif
  • Karl's Calculus Tutor - This guy is pretty cool, and knows his stuff. He has several pages that help people with they Calculi. Toppick.gif
  • Automatic Calculus Solutions - This website apparently will solve your calculus problems, and give you a complete step by step process explained in English about how to reach the solution. It is free, for now at least.
  • The useless Calculus page - For being a useless page, it has some very useful calculators.
  • Learning Calculus - Some tips on succeeding in your calculus class
  • Mr. Calculus - A guy who will answer your calculus questions. (Poor Altruistic Dope)
  • MicroRacer's Calculus Guides - These are 2 guides for Calculus I and II in MS Word Format.
  • UPromise - Surviving calculus also requires paying for the darn course. UPromise is the easiest way to earn money for college. Toppick.gif

Books That Might Help In Your Struggle and Torment

5 Free Calculus Text Books

How am I supposed to make any money off of Amazon if they make FREE Textbooks? (And worse, how am I supposed to make money when I stupidly put a link to all the frickin’ books!) Toppick.gif

Calculus Without Limits - Almost

This book is free to download for classroom use only, but you can not copy or distribute it. John C. Sparks, the author, kindly emailed me about this. He said “Have your web visitors help themselves to the resources that the USAF offers”. And I figured that the military mine as well do us some good, so download away. You can also buy a dead tree version if you wish. Toppick.gif

Who is Fourier?

This book is one of the best books on Calculus. I would recommend it for anyone taking Pre-Calc, or the first semester of Calculus. If you don't buy this book, and you don't understand calculus, then you should stop bitching, because it makes things pretty damn easy. In fact even I liked the book, and I'm the author of the "Calculus Hater's Home Page" Toppick.gif

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Calculus

Michael Kelley is a funny guy. I mean he isn't as funny as I am, but still he is pretty funny. And not only is he strange, but he also can make you laugh! And this book does a pretty good job at that. And amazingly in the process you also learn this subject that is also kind of funny or at least weird by any sane person's standards. So if you are a complete idiot or a dumb ass or at least feel that way then read this book. Maybe you'll learn something, you never know.Toppick.gif P.S. – If you are thinking about becoming a teacher you really should read his Rookie Teachers for Dummies book. It is really good, and he didn’t even put me up to writing this review.

How to Ace Calculus: The Streetwise Guide

I only recently found out about this book. It seems as if it was written after my own heart, as a subversive math book. In fact in the reviews one of the Math Teachers complain that it makes Calculus too easy, so that they don't get "Repeat Customers" (Failed Students who need to continue to pay to take the course).Toppick.gif

How to Ace the Rest of Calculus

From the same authors who brought you the original Streetwise Guide, this book will help you out with your second and third semester of calculus.

Master the AP Calculus AB & BC

Finally there is a good book about how to pass the AP calculus test, filled with complete examples showing EVERY step, and two practice tests, this book is great. While I forget the authors name off hand, I know he also wrote another book that I liked and did the most cool page: "Mr. Kelly's AP Calculus Home Page"Toppick.gif (Have you noticed by now that I have a lot of Top Picks?)

Calculus Made Easy

Well, I haven't read this book, nor have I seen anything but the reviews. But they all looked good. So instead of whining to me about not being able to learn calculus. Why don't you read this or the Fourier book instead?

Calculus By And For Young People

This is another book, it has 2 covers, and some pages with writing on them in between. The Author wanted me to put a link to his book a long time ago. I'm not convinced that it is a great book, but I get a small kick back if you buy it.. So feel free to purchase.

Calculus Haters of the World Converge!

  • Blather - This is a weird dream like site with many hyperlinks that made me all confused. But I’m bitter now…Oh, I mean better now.
  • “CatPaw” - There are many blogs, but there is only one Guide to the Inevitably Insane (Beta)
  • Corkscrew- Other than the fact that they admit calculus is valuable to society…Oh, wait, I did that too.
  • Jochen Denzler - I can dig this Calculus Teacher, while he doesn’t hate Calculus, he does hate the books!
  • Amelia Earhart - Even someone pretending to be a dead famous person hates Calculus! (And so do a lot of other teens crying out for help.)
  • Kyle Boyd - A well done journal entry.
  • Magz Cheng - Her blog says it all..
  • DejichanA Chilean Deviant Anime Artist writes of the horror
  • Barry Feldman - A news story about how one Calculus problem just hit too close to home
  • KayTang999 - A biochemically former aerospace engineer computer scientist wannabe is confused.
  • Zach Loder - And you thought all Trekkies would love this vile subject?
  • Kat Reitz - Wrote a story about hating calculus.
  • Jason “Smitter” SmitTop 10 reasons (+/- 1) to hate calculus. (This can be confused with a top 10 list)
  • Tausha - Tasha is 17 AND hates math.
  • Ymahatma - Short, Simple, and Hairy. Don’t let that stop you from reading her other stuff.

For Further Study


I get a lot of people who e-mail me the following questions, and I figured I'd save you some time by answering the most frequent ones right here.

Will you help me with the integral of xyz?

Of course not! Why would I put up a Calculus Hater's Home Page if I wanted to do stupid calculus problems? Go to one of the tutor sites, and ask them. Or read one of the books I have mentioned and figure it out on your own.

Can't you spell or do grammer?

Of course not, I have a college degree.

What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

This would of course be the null set, or as too many math teachers would say “You can’t divide by zero”. The reason for this is because if you are not actually swallowing anything, then you would be taking the speed of nothing.

Oh, you mean the bird? Approximately 60 Miles Per Hour for Barn Swallows. I would suspect both European and African swallows would be about the same.

You are so cool, this page rocks, your my god, I want to bear your children.

Thanks.. I know I'm that cool. I mean only a person with an ultra bloated ego, like me, could put up a page like this, and put his own self gratification in a place that is supposed to be for questions. BTW, Send me age, interests, and pictures for the bearing children part.

Do you really hate calculus?

Ok, I'll let you in on a little secret here. If I really hated calculus, would I put up so many resources about how to do better in the stupid class?

Can I use your background image or one of your pictures on my website?

Sure, just as long as you put a note that they came from my site, and you put a link back to my website.

I think there are some inside jokes on your page that I don't get, can you explain?

Yes, there are inside jokes on my page. If you want to understand them, get the following: Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Romeo & Juliet, and Good Will Hunting.. You can also listen to Hanson if you really want to, but I wouldn't torture yourself any further

So what is the real history behind this page?

In the spring of 1996 I failed Calculus for the third time. I was pissed off, and I created this website to vent, and wrote the introductory paragraph, and some other bits. I was also making fun of myself. Since that point, the website has changed a little here and there, and I’ve had many many many visitors who have many different opinions about the subject. I’ve also been plagerized, have had numerous authors ask to be listed in my recommendations list, and have had sex with at least one web site patron. (I DO count as a website patron!)


  • All outright flames will be ignored, constructive criticism is welcomed.
  • This page is primarily meant to be humorous, which is based upon the ridicule of my own ignorance. If you take this page seriously that is your own fault.
  • All spelling and grammerical mistakes may or may not be intentionall
  • Some of the information in this document is not completely correct. Specifically (a.) There has never been proof that an apple hit Newton over the head and (b.) Newton was not the only inventor of calculus, Gottfried Leibnitz co-discovered the field, and the dy/dx notation actually came from Leibnitz not Newton, who used y with a dot over it. The y' notation came later on. Also the calculus we learn in school is based upon the works of many other mathematicians.
  • Leibnitz also means cookie in German. I think this is more then a little bit of a coincidence. :)
  • I am an associate of, so I get money when you buy from this site. Shoot me, I'm a Socialistic Capitalist!
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